For some people, 2017 was sunshine and rainbows and unicorns shitting glitter.
Not me, man. My 2017 was 5 months underground (literally and spiritually) and a whole lot of deconstruction for reconstruction. Yeah, there were undeniable blessings that rained down in the midst of my mess to keep me moving forwards, but for most of the year, I was going through what I had to grow through.
Now, it feels cliché to say this, but I’m owning my experiences here, so I have to tell you. The summer before 2017 even started, heartbreak ripped my soul out of my body and then dared me to do something about it. It was a real *gasp* moment where everything I thought I knew about myself was challenged and I didn’t know what solid ground to stand on. But one thing I do know about myself is that I am resilient, so I looked at my brokenness and said, “Pack your shit up. We're moving to Atlanta.” Next thing I knew, it was just me and all my stuff, living in my friend’s basement in Georgia.
The first thing I had to accept was that I had created my heartbreak. That acceptance was more painful than the loss of the relationship, because I was holding myself accountable. Who was I kidding? I set myself up. I had chosen to be in a relationship with less respect than I deserve and I was stubborn enough to think I could fix both of us to make it work. Yeah, right. I was really out here thinking I could single-handedly save the world through the heart of this one dude. Talk about an ego trip. It was clear that my heartache had nothing to do with anyone else. It was my own beliefs that had gotten me into this identity combustion. The deeper realization was, “I’m not respecting or loving myself and yet, I value being a person who does.”
So I spent those months living in my friend’s basement writing tons of music and being a hot emo mess. I chopped off all of my hair (of course, another classic cliché moment) and I was determined to liberate myself from my own bullshit. I was going deep and no one was going to stop me. I just wanted to understand how I had ended up in this heartbroken hell hole. It was months of self-reflection and feeling a lot of suppressed emotions, trying to make sense of the sneaky self-deprecating beliefs I had been carrying around with me.
I wanted to choose new beliefs, ones that would give me permission to stand fully and confidently in my power. I was tired of putting everyone else’s needs over my own. How the hell was I going to help the world if I wasn't helping myself? I had to learn that being able to receive actually amplifies our ability to give. In order to feel empowered, I had to figure out how to balance my masculine action energy with my feminine receptive energy. That meant confronting old baggage and learning that boundaries are an essential part of self-love. The funniest part is that, even in the midst of feeling emotionally messier than a two year old playing with a bottle of glue, I still wanted to be in control.
In 2017, it was like the Universe was hitting me over the head until I finally let go and started from scratch. The breakthrough the Universe needed from me was, “Damn! Fine! Here’s my shit! Here it is! All out in the open!” Life is funny that way. I went on this whole dramatic exploration through my own darkness just to see that I can be messy as hell and still be glorious. I learned that if the human ego’s tower has a chance to crumble, it will. And that if it can, it probably should! There will always be building blocks left over. It’s up to us to sort through those pieces to decide which bits are our cornerstones and which ones are ready to be composted, to be returned to the Earth and transformed with love.
I am not here to save the world and I'm definitely not here to feel sorry for myself. Owning my mess is a revolutionary act of self-love for me. Messiness is part of being human and there's no value in shaming ourselves for being alive. I think I'm here to live this life in the most joyful way I can and to share that joy with others. All I know right now is that the key to balance and forward growth is keeping my heart open. To emerge from rebirth feeling more myself than ever before feels pretty freakin' great. Maybe I am shitting glitter.