To my angel by Lexie Abner

To my angel.

I thought I always knew what I would do in this situation. However, life never prepares you for when this does happen to you. When I found out I was pregnant, I never thought I would be confused on what to do.

Before that test turned positive, I dreamt about you day and night, had your name picked out, and already had our matching outfits in mind. But, when that test turned positive, I knew I wasn’t ready for you yet.

A few days later I realized that no one can ever love you as much as your mom. I knew this because I fell in love with the little purple cross that showed that I was creating life inside me.

I cried, not knowing whether I was so happy to have you inside me or sad that I had such limited time with you. I want you to know that I cherished every second I had with you. I constantly rubbed my tummy, talked to you, even called you my nugget.

I cried myself to sleep every night and screamed at myself for being so irresponsible. I prayed I was stuck in a nightmare.

How could I let go of someone so close to my heart and soul? The love I had for you… The love I still have you… is a love like no other. Nothing will compare.

I am walking around in my dreams looking for you, to meet you once. I wonder if I will see you when I am searching for you in my sleep. I think I’ll always be looking for you.

I think about you everyday. I miss you everyday.

My Angel, I am so sorry.

To everyone else.

They won’t tell you that every year, on the day that it happened, you’ll think about the loss. Because it is a loss. You’ve lost something that can never be replaced and it will always be the one choice in your life that you can’t forget that you made.

They won’t tell you that you’ll have calculated out your due date and therefore how old your child would be. They won’t tell you how you’ll spend time—maybe on a random day in the middle of the year that smacks you in the face with remembrance.

They won’t tell you that you’ll forget about it most days, but it’ll hit you at the most random times. They wont tell you you’ll cry yourself to sleep or have the same vivid nightmare. It’s simply a memory, something that happened in your life, a choice that you made. A choice you’ll have to live with for the rest of eternity.