When I was 20 years old, I had gotten pregnant with someone that I believed was going to be around for a long time in my life. I knew when it happened, which time it happened, and I still remember the pain I felt physically, but I still remember each time my heart broke. I was studying yoga then and was highly in tune with my body. One day I was driving home when I had felt this sharp and intense feeling. It was like having cramps ×5. I nearly almost ran off the road and into a tree, it was then that I knew. The following few days I was out with my boyfriend, running errands, when I had a serious craving for doughnuts. I drove 12 miles to get them, that is when he knew. On the way home we had purchased a test. I took the first one, it was positive. I drank water nonstop until I had to go again, praying it wasn't true. When the second one appeared positive, i collapsed and my heart sank in my tears. I just remember him asking "What do you want to do?" I tried convincing myself but more so him that we can make it possible, he said we couldn't and that we'd be miserable. It was then I felt alone. That night I had a dream where I was walking through this tall hallway and at the end I could see a little child sitting on the bench. I sat next to her. She was sobbing and I asked her what was wrong. She said "my parents don't want me, they don't know what to do with me. I don't know what's going to happen." I cried in my dream, and I cried in reality. I said to her, "I am so sorry that you are going through this. You may not understand this but they love you and but you deserve a much better life than they can give to you. You will find parents that know how to take care of you and love you properly. I promise." Her spirit never left me. That day I went over to my parents house, the news on the very tip of my tongue, wishing to come out. My father commented on how radiant I looked because of yoga, oh the irony... The following 2 weeks I had gotten the abortion. I received pills and endured an uncomfortable and painful 4 hours laying in my tub, laying in my blood. He laid on the floor, lit candles for me but then he left me alone and I knew the moment the embryo was out of my body. I remember talking to my yoga instructor about my situation and she shed light on a similar moment she had endured. She had told me about how Spirit travels around when in the womb and that her energy will always be with me. I always feel when she's really present, her laugh is engulfing. There are times when I wish I had her physically with me but I have made my peace with this choice and I still stand by that I did the right thing for the both of us.
To the women out there that are afraid of what others may think of you, do not feel the need to explain yourself. It is your right as a human being to make decisions that regard your own body. Do not let others convince you of anything that you are not comfortable or happy with. Follow your heart and intuition, nothing else matters. It is okay if you are sad, please remember this. It is okay if you can't get out of the bed for a week, take your time to heal. Tell the people that you trust so they can be there for you. This was the one thing I regret, I did not tell a soul what I was going through. I wish that I had. The women in your life who love you unconditionally are here to help heal you. You deserve all of the support and understanding. We are all in this together. Much love and light.