Bare

Peace,

Love + light, I am blackbird. Im currently writing this in my bath as the warm up 4 tonights womb ritual because as much as I've been trying to fight this, my souls desire is to embrace being open and free in expressing myself fully. I am calling upon the rays + energy of green, pink and Orange to guide me in sharing my truth. As a child and Even as a young adult ive allowed depression 2 make a home in my temple, tampering my ability 2 feel inner divinity. Throughout school years i was constantly teased 4 having such dark skin and afrikan features. I was always awkwardly taller and fatter than my peers so to makeup for my looks i was an extremely passive pushover aiming to please. My first year of college I met a guy who said hed just finished up serving in iraq and was ready to attend school. He was cute, tall, nice car. He had "all" the things i saw the pretty girls attracted and as corny as it sounds i thought this was my Chance at being "that girl". We started talking on the phone almost every night. His nice voice and compliments quickly turned into aggressive tones and condescending remarks. I remember one night he was explaining how lucky i was for him to give me chance because he usually didnt find dark girls attractive. The first time i went over his house he raped me. Asked me if he could eat me out, wasnt really into it but i was to shy and embarrassed 2 say no. Plus i wanted him 2 like me. So 4 about 5 min he went down on me. By the time he was finished his pants were down and he was trying 2 shove his penis inside me. I told him i didnt want to have sex, tried pushing him off me. The harder i pushed 4 him 2 get off the harder he pushed in. Then it hit me. I was being raped. I decided i wouldn't scream cause his homies were in the living room and my only thought was, i can handle this, but ill go crazy if i get Ganged raped. Seconds turned into minutes, minutes into hours. I would try pushing him off but his grip just got tighter and he Fot aroused by it. He'd kiss me more. As sick as it was the only thing that helped me was to play along make myself think i wanted it. I had no choice anyway. A part of me thought maybe if i acted like i was enjoying it, hed get turned off. So i moand. My pussy was drier than a the hottest desert. He kept going. I started blacking out. I tried sliding off the bed he just grabbed me by my neck and stayed inside me. The entire night. His eyes were so full of rage they were blank. The next morning he finally pulled out of me. Then fucked me again. Told me to get dressed and help make breakfast 4 him n his homies. So I did. He asked if i enjoyed the night prior. i told him he knew i didn't. He kicked me out few hours later. I went home. Didnt shower or brush my teeth for days. Didnt tell my parents. Week or so later he called me and i had an anxiety attack so i had 2 tell my sister because i couldn't calm myself. After that i was scared of everything outside my room. 2014 i was assaulted again. Then laslty early 2016. I planned to just speak about my problem with bindge eating and body insecurities as plus size darkskinned model in a still, very dominantly white industry. However spirit led me here. So here we are. 2 the earth angel(s) who created this. Thankyou 4 operating in ur purpose, knowing + trusting  this would heal masses and bring awareness of lifes ups n downs. You are creating a community of collective consciousness. 2 the earth angels Reading this. I am a blackbird choosing 2 soar beyond societal conditioning so that i can free myself and access divine power 2 free u. We are not victims. We are love. We are courage. We are joy. We are compassion. We are forgiveness. Journey with ease of lavender. Tender lotus womb hugs.